UTC: Weirdo Species

by on July 10, 2024 at 1:16 am
Chapter:
Characters: ,

Horse-Man is grilling. Unwinder shows up on his patio. Unwinder: Hey buddy, you’re an adult, yeah? Have you got a gun? Horse-Man: Sorry, no. Unwinder: You wanna go grab one at the store real quick? Right now? I’ll watch your burgers. Horse-Man: Why? Unwinder: I’m beefing with a guy online. Things are getting a little hot, and I need a gun. Horse-Man: Who are you beefing with? Unwinder: OK, you know that webcomic with the aliens that describe mundane things in funny ways? - We see a comic called “Weirdo Species” about little aliens who talk funny. Alien 1: My cells require hydration. This might be a good time to ingest liquid. Alien 2: You should put dihydrogen monoxide in whatever orifice you use for nutrient intake. Alien 1: Good idea. I shall use this convenient dihydrogen monoxide dispenser. Alien 1: Hmm… But how shall I transport the liquid to my orifice? Alien 2: Try putting it inside a vessel made of transparent melted sand. - Unwinder: I’ve been rewriting all of his comics in old-timey language and posting them in the comments. - We see a post from Unwinder in character as the creator of this old-timey comic. Unwinder in the post: Hey, I made it better for you. We see Unwinder’s comic, “Ye Olde Species Most Queer,” featuring two old-timey people talking. Person 1: Hark! Mine body doth growe dry for want of moist’ning drink! Person 2: Pray, sippeth ye upon a dram of cool watyr, poured where the Lord hath cleft thine jaws. Person 1: Bless you, I shalle draw watyr from yon pump, which doth grace mine kitchyn. Person 1: Ah! But by what toil shall I ferry this burbling watyr to mine throat? Person 2: Runneth ye watyr into this glasse, which was probablye wrought by witchcraft. - Horse-Man: And you think this guy wants to come hurt you? For this? Unwinder: Read his replies. - WeirdoSpecies: These distorted variants are not amusing, please cease posting them. I have issued this instruction in multiple instances, yet you have not complied. Unwinder: If you want me to stop, post better comics, easy fix WeirdoSpecies: Your anachronism is not even consistent. Your characters appear to be Victorian bare-knuckle boxers, but they utilize a pastiche of Shakespearean English from at least 350 years earlier. This is low-probability behavior not worth depicting. Unwinder: you once called a turd an “excrement nodule” WeirdoSpecies: I have over 20,000 backers on patreon and my book is a NYT bestseller. I think most people would agree I know how to write a good comic. Unwinder: your book is an excrement nodule WeirdoSpecies: I advise caution. I know your domicile number and I know how to construct devices which combust violently. It would be unfortunate if such a device were to be relocated to your domicile by a package locomotion service. - Horse-Man: I think you need to call the police, not buy a gun. Unwinder: Nah, online death threats don’t mean anything. I didn’t even report him. Unwinder: I just think it would be funny to reply with a picture of a gun. Unwinder: I was going to use AI, but I don’t want to take jobs away from artists.

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