Dr. Minivan is sticking pretty accurately to the real-life script here. Some of this stuff is direct quotations from the questionnaire. Hopefully a lot of census enthusiasts will see this, and show their census-taking friends, and maybe post it on their census-taking messageboards. It is entirely reasonable to assume I know all of this simply from having been enumerated myself.
Seriously though, if you know anyone who has worked for the census bureau, they'll really laugh if you show them this.
I decided to bring back the character of Painburger from a couple of years ago here. Here's a true story: I originally intended for Painburger to be a male character, but enough people have mistaking him/her for a female, that I'm basically retconning it here. The reason is why not.